


Geralt Gets A Phone (It Doesn’t End Well)

by orphan_account



Category: The Witcher (TV), Wiedźmin | The Witcher (Video Game), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types, Wiedźmin | The Witcher Series - Andrzej Sapkowski
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Attempt at Humor, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia is Cirilla Fiona Elen Riannon's Parent, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia is a Mess, I wrote this at 5am the grammar is questionable, Multi, Not Beta Read, Texting, This was funny to me so I posted it, ciri is so done, everyone is dumb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-20
Updated: 2021-01-20
Packaged: 2021-03-18 20:41:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28873254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Geralt, after years of stubbornly denying any form of technology, gets a phone and does his best to ask for a simple favor. Chaos insues.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18





	Geralt Gets A Phone (It Doesn’t End Well)

**Author's Note:**

> Based off of this legendary post https://amp.reddit.com/r/oldpeoplefacebook/comments/6fe2p2/a_friend_posted_this/

[Geralt created group “CAN EITHER OF YOU BABYSIT CIRI FOR THE WEEKEND? I HAVE TO VISIT MY DAD.”] 

[Geralt added Jaskier and Yennefer] 

[Geralt changed the group’s icon to image of calendar]

[Geralt left]

**Jaskier** : hey yeah what the FUCK ???????? 😭😭😭

**Yennefer** : I’ll babysit Ciri. 

**Jaskier** : wait but i wanted to my calendar is open too!!!! 

**Jaskier** : joint babysitting ? ? ?

**Yennefer** : No. You are a horrible influence on children.

[Yennefer left]

[Jaskier added Geralt and Yennefer]

**Jaskier:** wait guys i can babysit ciri my calendar is open

**Geralt** : WHO IS THIS PERSON?

**Jaskier** : it’s jaskier lol

**Geralt** : OK.

[Geralt left]

**Yennefer** : I’m babysitting Ciri. 

[Yennefer left]

[Jaskier re-named group “jaskier is babysitting ciri on the weekend bc he’s actually super cool and an excellent influence fuck you yennefer 😘”]

[Jaskier added Geralt and Yennefer] 

**Geralt** : YOU’RE KISSING YENNEFER? 

**Jaskier** : what ??? no ? ? ? it’s just an emoji. i’m trying to be cheeky 

**Geralt** : OK. 

**Yennefer** : Geralt, who would you prefer babysat Ciri? Me, a competent lawyer who is closer to Ciri than her own mother was and who has actually studied child development and good parenting techniques, or the ukulele player who once shagged a bush while high on mushrooms until we had to physically remove him from it? 

**Jaskier** : HEY!!!! cyberbullying isn’t ok yen

**Jaskier** : also it wasn’t a bush it was a tree. 

**Yennefer** : So much better.

**Geralt** : DON’T UNDERSTAND, GOODBYE. 

[Geralt left]

[Geralt created group “I AM VERY BUSY ON WEEKEND (VESEMIR’S HORSE IS HURT) CAN SOMEONE BABYSIT CIRI?”]

[Geralt added Jaskier, Triss, and Yennefer]

[Geralt changed the group’s icon to a close up picture of a horse’s face] 

[Geralt left]

**Jaskier** : WAIT WHAT WHY IS TRISS IN THIS NOW IM ??? HDHAHHAJAJAJAHA

**Triss** : I’m completely free, so I can babysit! ☺️ Ciri is a lovely girl! 💕💕💕

**Yennefer** : Sorry, we already established I’d babysit. 

**Yennefer** : [screenshot]

**Triss** : Wait, I’m confused. Why would he include me in this one, then? 😅

**Yennefer** : Maybe he just thinks of me before you. 

**Jaskier** : YEN ??? 

**Triss** : That’s debatable, bestie. 😘

**Yennefer** : Sometimes I’m surprised by how dense you can be. Glad we can still remain friends despite this dullness of yours. 

**Jaskier** : WHY ARE WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW 

**Jaskier** : WE HAVE A CHILD WITHOUT A CARETAKER. FOCUS. 

**Triss** : Wait, but how are we going to settle this?

**Yennefer** : Just let me watch after her.

**Triss** : But why?! That’s not fair to the rest of us! 

**Jaskier** : how about we just ASK HER who she wants to babysit her???????

**Yennefer** : Oh.   


**Yennefer** : Yes, that might work. 

**Jaskier** : wonderful. 

[Jaskier created group “babysitting?”] 

[Jaskier added Ciri, Triss, and Yennefer]

**Jaskier** : ciri your dad’s going away for the weekend bc of something abt his horse who do u want to babysit u ????????????

**Ciri** : don’t say “babysit” I’m literally 11

**Ciri** : i don’t know

**Ciri** : why do I have to pick anyways???

**Yennefer** : Ciri, I said I’d babysit you first. It’s going to be me. 

**Jaskier** : NO IT’S NOT CIRI DON’T LISTEN TO HER

**Triss** : Actually, it’ll probably be me. We can work on your sewing skills! 🤗🤗🤗🧵🪡📍

**Ciri** : gross no

**Ciri** : i’ll just ask geralt what he thinks

**Yennefer** : Like that is going to go anywhere. 

**Ciri** : he said he didn’t care and to ask you all

**Yennefer** : Called it. 

**Jaskier** : OF FUCKING COURSE HE DID

**Triss** : Jaskier, don’t swear! She’s a kid! 😡😡😡😡😱😱😱😱😱

**Ciri** : I’ve heard worse 

**Ciri** : this is weird I’m leaving

[Ciri left]

**Jaskier** : so that didn’t work🧍🏼‍♂️

**Yennefer** : Just let me do it, please. 

**Triss** : That’s not fair! He didn’t put me in the first chat! 

**Yennefer** : Maybe there was a reason for that! 

**Jaskier** : ok wait how abt this

**Jaskier** : we all try to send a text at the same time so i’ll type “who?” and the first person that responds after with “me” the fastest after three rounds gets to babysit her

**Triss** : Okay! ☺️

**Yennefer** : That’s… strange. But alright. I suppose we can try

**Jaskier** : who? 

**Yennefer** : Me

**Jaskier** : me

**Triss** : Me!! 👩‍🦰

**Yennefer** : Off to a good start!

**Jaskier** : triss why would you add an emoji and exclamation points??? that slows down your time by like 5 secs easily

**Yennefer** : Why are you helping the enemy, Jaskier? 

**Jaskier** : I’m just trying to make this fair! 

**Triss** : Oh! I didn’t think about that! Thanks! 💕💕💕

**Yennefer** : Fucking hell. 

**Jaskier** : ok let’s do another! 

**Jaskier** : who?

**Jaskier** : me

**Triss** : Me

**Yennefer** : Me

**Jaskier** : oh ho ho ho! looks like i’ve won this one!

**Yennefer** : Don’t get cocky. 

**Jaskier** : Last one! 

**Jaskier** : who?

**Triss** : Me

**Yennefer** : Me

**Jaskier** : me

**Jaskier** : FUCK it’s a tie

**Triss** : What do we do now? 😧😧😧

[Geralt created group “HAVE MY MESSAGES BEEN GOING THROUGH? CIRI SAYS HAVEN’T”] 

[Geralt added Jaskier, Triss, and Yennefer]

**Jaskier** : THEY HAVEN’T BC YOU AREN’T SENDING MESSAGES YOU’RE JUST MAKING GROUP CHATS 😭😭😭

**Geralt** : NO. 

[Geralt removed Jaskier, Triss, and Yennefer]

[Geralt left] 

[Geralt created group “MY DAD VESEMIR HAVING HORSE PROBLEMS HELP BABYSITTER FOR CIR THIS WEEKEND.”] 

[Geralt added Jaskier, Triss, and Yennefer] 

**Triss** : I’ll do it! 🙋‍♀️

**Geralt** : OK. THANKS, TRISS. 

[Geralt left]

**Jaskier** : WHAT??? NO 😭😭😭😭😭😭🥺😭😭

**Yennefer** : Shit. 


End file.
